Lately, I seem to be experiencing a myriad of grief…some in its most traditional sense, others within relationships and the most surprising, in expectations.
I got the call eight weeks ago now, from my sister, that our mum had been taken to emergency and that her death was imminent. I jumped in the car without hesitation and drove the twenty minutes to the hospital.
She had passed moments before I got there. I immediately asked to see her. I hadn’t seen my mum in close to eight years…our reunion was at her bedside with barely a hint of life left in her. She looked peaceful, she looked like our grandma.
I was comforted being with my mum even in her death. I cried for her; I wished her peace, I wished her joy and I wished her resolve on her next journey full of love and light.
Being with dying definitely seems to be my theme. And I’m surrounded with a sense of grief daily.
But my Mum’s passing, in many ways, was a letting go for me. You see, she was the black sheep in our family and growing up, it went without saying we were the offspring of the black sheep at every family gathering, wedding, funeral, occasion. Looking back, it was uncomfortable, we were made to feel terribly uncomfortable. I’m not sure to this day if anyone in our extended family really understood the impact on all of us.
I turn 45 in five weeks…ugh, 45. Both my parents have passed and psychologically I, apparently, now have my ‘death age’. My dad passed at 83, my mum short of 87. So my death age could conceivably be between 83-87 years of age.
I’m half way…
Grief facilitates an opportunity to reset. I’ve recently attempted to do the WholeLife Fitness Manifesto with dai @daimanuel #WLFM and failed miserably. Dai compared resetting to a burpee…you get down and get yourself back up, over and over again. Well, shit, I hate burpees at the best of times! But I get it. It’s ok to reset, we are going to have a life full of burpees…
The past three years have been a challenge. I have gotten smacked down relentlessly and there were moments where I lay on the mat soaked in my own sweat feeling like I couldn’t possibly get up for one more burpee.
My expectations of my best friend, my relationship, my expectations of my colleagues, peers, my family and even expectations of my body all seemingly failed. We grief from unmet expectations, too. We all do. I always felt there would be a sense of disappointment with unmet expectations but I’ve since learned it’s another form of living grief.
And it’s another opportunity to reset…I’m committing to stage 2 of The WholeLife Fitness Manifesto and bringing my spouse along for the sweaty ride. It’s time for a reset and how lucky are we to still be full of life to have that privilege.
And grief, in its many forms…both literally as I’ve experienced this past few months with my mum dying, to this piece around living grief as I traverse my daughter’s arduous journey with a life limiting disease, to relationships is an opportunity to reset, restart, re learn, re commit and ultimately, to rejoice.
See you on the mat…I’ll be the one face down struggling to get back up, but I’ll get back up, you can count on that!